@Sickayduh: [NBA Postgame] *LeBron wearing his fake glasses* "Questions? Yes, Lois Lane from Daily Planet" "Yeah hi. I'll wait til LeBron comes out"

@jergarl: Wife:How'd you sleep? Me: Fine except I got in a gun fight and died and went to the store because I ran out of shampoo W: Ambien:*giggles

@JayCee302: I finally started writing the book on herbs I've been putting off for so long, I guess it's.. :looks directly at the camera: "About thyme"

@RidiculousSheri: The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit. I'm kidding, it's Betty Boop. Okay, Hello Kitty. Fine. Miss Piggy. Ursula.

@realDonaldTrump: I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.