“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
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So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
The Sun
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.