Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
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My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.