Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
You Might Also Like
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Rather alarming headline…
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go