Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
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“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Stonehinge
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.