@sgrate_: Your girlfriend deserves nothing but the best, so give her my number because you ain’t shit
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@Rollinintheseat: If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they'll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you'll have enough money to buy an orange.
@ArfMeasures: SCIENCE TEACHER: What's the loudest noise in the world? "Volcanic eruption" "An explosion" "An earthquake" ME: Trying to open snacks you don't want to share
@badbanana: 65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.