take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
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[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
This anagram machine is out of order.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.