@brandynwiththey: Your girlfriend isn't hallucinating man, she's actually seeing other people.
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@PYWL: I just saw a video of a snake that learned to open doors. I probably don't need to sleep anymore anyway.
@pizzajaynow: Me: "Sorry I'm late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn't go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."
@GrantTanaka: It's important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won't be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
@hipchkk: The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.