Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
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Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
never deleting this app.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.