@usedwigs: Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don't let your dog sit in the driver's seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
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@leechee420: I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
@bobvulfov: [audition for a vampire tv show] ME: as u can see in my headshots, i'm a vampire CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos ME: exactly
@duplicitron: *returns four pounds of skirt steak to butcher* I'm sorry. This just doesn't fit me like I thought it would.