@usedwigs: Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don't let your dog sit in the driver's seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
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@lazerdoov: Genie: I shall grant you three wis- Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me Genie: here's the thing Jeff, Kate's with me now...
@dafloydsta: [job interview] "Tell me about yourself" *flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests* I'm a risk taker
@StarWarsProblms: Leia: You owe child support. Han: What? I'm in hyperspace. Leia: You're standing right here Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*