Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
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“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
found this cool rock hiking today
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST