Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
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Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic