@JermHimselfish: Your hands aren't tied down when you're at the dentist, you're allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
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@kimt205: Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
@dlockw21: *Opening presents 1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow! 2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
@OtherDanOBrien: [2 toads chillin'] Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you'll get high. "Whaaaat, that's genius." We gon’ get mad licked, son.
@tweetingdouche: Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I'm running out of ideas for gifts.