Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
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Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐