Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
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[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Education is vital
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.