@MariyaAlexander: Your Harvard education doesn't make me respect you more - it makes me respect Harvard less.
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@shanethevein: Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX. I yelled what does BMX stand for? He replied "DUI".
@onion_an: Me: My dog ran away two days ago Dog pound: Does he have a tag? Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
@Izianikapani: Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
@thenatewolf: *Chooses paper towels instead of the hand dryer right as a tree walks into the bathroom*