Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
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Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
The three genders
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time