Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
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Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
PLEASE READ
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.