Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
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[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi