Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
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You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs