@maxlavergne: your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
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@KenJennings: Guy at the park who just put out his cigar and started doing tai chi is my new fitness guru.
@lemonmartinis: Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together - Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
@batkaren: *Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: It's not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t. Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t. 4: Want to trade?