your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
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Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian