@maxlavergne: your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
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@lovemydogduck: During the day I don't believe in ghosts, But at night I'm a little bit more open minded
@stephenjmolloy: [Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight] Attendant: "Is there a doctor on board?" Ian: "I'm a-" *gets dragged off the flight*
@BuckyIsotope: You're in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do- "Bread guy"
@timdonakowski: Thousands of married racists are waking up this morning and questioning the skin color of their spouse.