your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
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You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Happy Taco Tuesday
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?