Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
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movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
I can’t stop laughing at this
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.