“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
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a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Don’t snitch tag.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?