@DzNutz83: Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
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@panmidwest: FRIEND: hey while I'm on vacation can you come over and feed the cat? ME: FRIEND: ME: to what?
@Mz_Cake_Vodka: My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But I can't drive a bus.
@preawsaurus: the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you'd think they had actually chose it themselves :)
@briancthayer: *licks excess icing off mixer & spoon* Wife: Aww, thanks hun! Me: For what? W: Doing my dishes! M: Oh, I didn-- W: ... M: You're welcome.