Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
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nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
#damn
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle