Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
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Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Does your wife know you’re single?
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
first you must answer his riddles
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.