Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
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Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second