72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
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Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.