Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
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wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
ACED my prostate exam!
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer