@lawyerthoughts: Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
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@charliedelta7: I taught my 4yo how to spell 'beer' so he'll stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
@SimplyRetard: "*RING**RING* in the middle Of night! "Hello?" "Hey man are you home?" "No dude i just picked up my house phone from Burger King."
@bridger_w: If I'm busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
@hipsterocracy: People shit on Columbus like they've never knocked on the wrong door and then murdered the people inside and lived there.