Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
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I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave