Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
You Might Also Like
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I only eat vegetarians.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away