@Darlainky: Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
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@DrDogMD: COW: I'm constipated DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol C: ur doing puns right now? DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
@StrawburyDelite: Apparently, my office doesn't think the women's restroom needs a tampon disposal, so wrapped it up and put it in their suggestion box.
@michael_raphone: there's two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
@OutOfLeftField_: Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He's not ill, just really crap in bed.