@Darlainky: Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
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@iamburtjarvis: [confessional] me: father, gooey naan. father: what's gooey naan? me: nothing much. what's goin' on with you?
@PaperWash: Last minute gift idea: Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
@JaymayAllDay: I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I'm not sure, I can't make out faces so well.
@PaulGibson1963: The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.