@Darlainky: Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
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@BellPupper: ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower! METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
@GrantTanaka: Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like "hi God- wait a minute, YOU'RE NOT GOD"
@briancthayer: Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
@AnnaKendrick47: In first grade when I'd tell my parents what I learned in class and they'd act amazed, I'd think "Shouldn't you know this shit already?"