Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
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My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan