-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
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Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.