ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
You Might Also Like
Cashiers are always checking me out
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.