Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
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doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*