Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
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The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today