Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
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omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I didn’t realize that was an option
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
My life in a nutshell
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
peeping toms
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning