Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
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The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
oh you wanna fight?!
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.