Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
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Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.