Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
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If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will