How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
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Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
my one true gender
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
this is the news I live for
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys