I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
You Might Also Like
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”