Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
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55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.