It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
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I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets