@so_amused: 'Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized'
~me talking to my KFC
@Thee1_4U: My daughter just said that I'm the best dad she's ever had. So I got that going for me.
@better_off_dad: HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm...a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I'd like to report a hacking!
@david8hughes: Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
@RamblingMachine: You know what's sad? 3 of my team members dying of drinking poison and the last dying of a fractured neck because he didn't drink the poison
@twylaredsun: Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it's not doing its job