‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
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I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”