@so_amused: 'Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized'
~me talking to my KFC
@KalvinMacleod: ME: all the King's horses and men couldn't put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I'll think of something
@robyn_vo: I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I'm the lead singer of Creed.
@Burtslorp: FB lets you write your sex in now, so I have officially become a hat.
@jake_lach: "Yep, I'm going to jail."
When a State Trooper takes the same exit off the highway*
@notalogin: Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says 'you're a joke' you can say 'the joke's on you' and disarm the situation.