@so_amused: 'Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized'
~me talking to my KFC
@Arrogant_Twat: My doctor told me to start killing people.
Well not in those exact words. He said I need to reduce the stress in my life.
@Humor_Fetish: "Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight...? You're so radical!" How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
@ThisOneSayz: Me: I've had this for 3 weeks & I'm still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma'am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
@Cheeseboy22: One of the World's Strongest Man events should be "Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together."
@AbbyHasIssues: *Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What's your dog's name?