‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
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I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.