Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
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For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Terribly Tuesday.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.