Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
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My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?