@TheTweetOfGod: Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
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@DanOverHere: -Boss: "Send me one of your funny tweets" -Me: "I'm working at the moment, I'll send you one later" -Boss: "Hahaha! Send me another one."
@ArfMeasures: DATE: What's your favourite movie? ME: Kill Bill DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated ME [long pause] Killiam William
@Marlebean: Husband: You cut your hair! Me: ... H: It looks good! I like it! ... Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
@DumbConfessions: [in Paris] Will you have sex with me? "No monsieur." Okay, like, I don't speak French. BLINK ONCE FOR NO AND TWICE FOR YES.