“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
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I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’