Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
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Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
We avoided this particular disaster
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
i now pronounce you bounced.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I can’t deal with men any longer