Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
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parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!