Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
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FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday