Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
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[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.