“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
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According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Born to be mild.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.